mysophistgarden

Today I went for a drive to places vaguely covered by this map. It seemed like the thing to do. I have run out of energy this week to do more than take small steps and hope the big ones turn into something, but that depends on people getting back to me. Waiting. Waiting is hard and scary, it depends on others.

Emotions are interesting things. if I could draw a road map for them then I would probably be still doing what I have done for most of my adult life. I was a special education teacher. I did all the things a special education teacher does at various times of my working life. Doing that job defined nothing about me by its title. I have skills and knowledge, and sensibilities that allowed me to do it to the best of my ability for a very long time. Up to burnout and then for a little while after. I am told that I am not depressed as people think when I cry. I am simply tired to the core of my being and there is nothing of that part of my heart left to continue with. I pushed too hard for too long. I made myself go even when everything inside me didn’t know how I was going to….and so my boundaries now need to be found. A new career for want of a better word. I think perhaps a new way of earning money to care for my daily requirements is a better way of thinking about it.

Doing that means I have to explore other ideas and options and that exploration relies on other people getting back to me and other people sometimes helping me with knowledge and skills. I am at the place where I need the help and belief of other people to manage this future journey. Don’t want them to do it for me, just to help me. Remember me to their friends who might have knowledge I need to make a livelihood out of my art and ask them if they will gift me some time to help me along my journey. I don’t have resources to pay experts. I have enough to pay for coffee in the morning so I can say good morning to a person who says it back to me. I have been willing to sure my gifts and talents and knowledge since I can remember, so I am hoping that there are kind people who will now do the same in return.

We all need someone to believe in us as we find our way through life. Everyone my age talks about finding enough within myself but then talks about their community of support that helps them. I am looking for my supporter right now. Supporters who are there when I need them to be there. This is am emotional and unknown journey. Sometimes I need to hear it out aloud and be encouraged by the voice of another person. Actually every day I need that. I have lived without it everyday so the silence is part of why i am as I am right now.

You know where to find me if you want to offer positive energy to help this journey. I would be so pleased to walk with people, it is part of a future dream….to have a tribe that has time to share with me and makes it an action….a tribe that receive me humble efforts of sharing in return.